An open letter to Crawdaddy’s.

Dear Crawdaddy’s:

The 50-person brawl this weekend was awe-inspiring. Please, let’s see some more. Police are bored on Friday nights, and the kids crave things to smash. I also would like something to watch, as the writer’s strike has left nothing but inane reality shows on TV, and I could easily just watch reality itself if these large-scale fights are able to continue.

I also want to extend my thanks that you put your neighbors out of business during your construction, because your presence is surely a gift to Visalia and totally worth the extra rezoning footwork and tax dollars the city threw your way. I just wish you were able to build your own parking lot, since the one right behind your building is apparently for poor people, the kind that would smash up your place if you ever let them in.

I also enjoy your $10 cocktails, which I charge on my credit card because I can’t afford them otherwise. Your fine liquor does the double duty of letting my mind forget about my copious amounts of debt for a minute and be fully entertained by your hired professional wrestlers who dress up as gangsters and smash bottles against patios. I do have to add the vomiting is a wonderful touch as it adds a sense of realism and terror in those of us who were only there for the show.

With sincere gratitude,

P.S.: You can’t say I didn’t warn you.



  1. Barkos Said:

    Sounds like my kind of place. Should I bring glass bottles for smashing or are they one of the wonderful services provided?

  2. Crawdaddy Said:

    Dman u just sound like a nerd hater!!!Actually you sound like one of those local musicians that no one will even pay 5 bucks to see!!!

  3. I don’t hate nerds, I have a poster of Rick Moranis hanging on my wall.

  4. d-rail Said:

    crawdaddy’s didn’t start a fight , all those idot’s that cant handle there liquor did. people doing that stuff are just sad,crawdaddy’s is a cool place to hangout ,,, its not that bad… hell the cops start most of it being ass’holes

  5. Dot Calm Said:

    $10 COCKTAILS! That is the going rate… in Manhattan! I have never heard of this pricing atrocity in such proximity to the hamlet I hail from. In Brooklyn, it’s like $6.

  6. DAVe Said:

    Has the Visalia Snark gone dark?

  7. Alien Vice Said:

    i think ‘Crawdaddy’ was trying to say that you sound like a ‘nerd/hater’, and not a ‘nerd-hater’, as you inferred. Regardless, they are wrong, and probably really ugly and dumb too. 😛

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