Archive for dining

An open letter to Crawdaddy’s.

{ November 21, 2007 @ 12:42 am } · { dining, local news, snark in general }
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Dear Crawdaddy’s:

The 50-person brawl this weekend was awe-inspiring. Please, let’s see some more. Police are bored on Friday nights, and the kids crave things to smash. I also would like something to watch, as the writer’s strike has left nothing but inane reality shows on TV, and I could easily just watch reality itself if these large-scale fights are able to continue.

I also want to extend my thanks that you put your neighbors out of business during your construction, because your presence is surely a gift to Visalia and totally worth the extra rezoning footwork and tax dollars the city threw your way. I just wish you were able to build your own parking lot, since the one right behind your building is apparently for poor people, the kind that would smash up your place if you ever let them in.

I also enjoy your $10 cocktails, which I charge on my credit card because I can’t afford them otherwise. Your fine liquor does the double duty of letting my mind forget about my copious amounts of debt for a minute and be fully entertained by your hired professional wrestlers who dress up as gangsters and smash bottles against patios. I do have to add the vomiting is a wonderful touch as it adds a sense of realism and terror in those of us who were only there for the show.

With sincere gratitude,
-*snark

P.S.: You can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Crawdaddy’s goes ghetto

{ October 2, 2007 @ 1:18 am } · { dining, nightlife }
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I actually used to like Crawdaddy’s. I didn’t hold it too much against them that their big honkin’ way-past-deadline construction problems forced Magical Cakes and Mystical Teas out of business. The food is good, I like the mixed-zoning idea of someone’s apartment being upstairs. You turn in a movie ticket stub, get 20% off, and when you order their spaghetti creole value meal with the discount, you get a drink and a huge delicious plate of spaghetti with a nice little kick for only about $5. They used to do Guitar Hero nights every Tuesday, until the general Visalia public were too lame and stupid to show up. I hate you, general public.

And while they serve the raddest cocktails outside of Tommy’s, it just got too expensive to drink there, so I had stopped going for about a month or two.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have been as shocked to see what the place has become. But I was. And it’s, um, er, uh, wow.

They now have a hip-hop DJ downstairs from Tuesday through Saturday and a live band upstairs on Fridays. (I’m all for live music, but the clientele you attract for the DJ make fighting to get to the staircase NOT worth the effort.) Lines are out the FREAKIN’ DOOR to get in on the weekend. Which is sad: I don’t want to consume my spaghetti creole in a dance club, for god’s sake.

Right, well, nightlife in Visalia, sure, hurray and all that crap. But leave me the spaghetti in peace, thankyouverymuch.

Ripping the flavor out of downtown

{ September 18, 2007 @ 4:16 am } · { dining, events, nightlife }
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I had this scheming cheap evil friend who shall remain nameless and is completely undeserving of any “friend” title I might bestow upon him for lack of better word to call him. Anyway, he told me about last year’s Taste of Downtown event. (This year it’s Oct. 2, by the way.) He also told me how he fully intended on purchasing a $30 wristband, with full-on finger quotes around the word “intended,” but they were sold out on the night of the event. This cheapskate jerk then told me about how he just approached the different restaurants and that it was so crowded they couldn’t keep track of who had the wristbands or not. The different restaurants let him eat without paying a dime.

Nameless Stupid Jerk was bragging about how he was ripping off the downtown Visalian bread and butter. The restaurants that need every dollar to stay in competition from the crappy Olive Gardens of this world. The very same restaurants Stupid Nameless Stupid Jerk Face complains about!

You, dear reader, must understand how Visalia-think is… “Oooh, there’s a _____ coming to Visalia!” To me, if you can recognize the name (and it’s not Trader Joes), it’s not worth eating at. Why? BECAUSE IT’S A CHAIN, STUPID.

Sure, not all chains are bad, but given the choice between sending money to hard-working locals with a dream to maintain a good restaurant or flushing money down the corporate-centered toilet, I hope you can grasp by my vivid word imagery that I would choose the former.

So Total Loser Cheapskate, I hope you read this and come to a realization that one day you will roast in a special kind of Hell, preferably one catered by Applebees.

Info from the Times-Delta:

“Visalia’s 14th Annual Taste of Downtown event will be 5-9 p.m. Oct. 2. Tickets are on sale for $30 now at the Downtown Visalians and Alliance business office, 104 S. Church St. Stop by and pick them up or call and have them held for you by using your credit card.

The event features 27 downtown restaurants. Armed with a map and, hopefully, good walking shoes, participants can start anywhere they like and stroll along tasting some of Visalia’s finest foods.

Bank of the Sierra will host a wine-and-cheese tasting 5-8 p.m., and Visalia Community Bank will host a beer tasting, also 5-8 p.m.

There will be root beer floats provided by A&W at Garden Street Plaza, where the St. John’s River Boat Band will play and the sounds of Still Water band can be heard as you walk past the Fox Theatre.

Information: 732-7737.”